The End…

So I’ve been dead on this blog for quite a while now and it’s because it’s became tainted.

I shared this blog with people i was close too and that stopped it from being somewhere I could talk and express myself freely .

I need that back that freedom.

So it’d with a heavy heart that I announce that I will be taking this blog down shortly . I will be starting a new blog anonymously.

It’s been amazing having this space talking and interacting with so many amazing people. I hope you all have an amazing life. Stay positive you can come back from anything.

Peace ✌️

But What About…

Is it okay to be…. Okay ?

I’ve accepted a long time ago that I was okay for me to feel broken . To feel hurt . To feel anxious…but is it okay to say… You know what I’m feeling good. I’m happy today is a good day. Today I don’t feel bad . Today I haven’t felt drained not because I was tired but because I found life pointless.

I hope it’s okay to be okay , because I am.

Zero Fucks.

The thing is it gets to me when people can not hold there hands up when they are in the wrong . As parents we make mistakes we don’t get everything right. We can’t it’s impossible.

So when I asked the kids mam to do some homework with my oldest I shouldn’t have been surprised that once again I would have to renew the work.

The one on the left done with me. Right with mam.

Top with me bottom with mam.

The thing is I wouldn’t want my son to be handing in work that looked rushed and not his best.

I know he finds homework a chore and he does because he struggles academically like I did when I was his age.

However with positive reinforcement and one on one time doing the work he learns and we get some good homework done.

When I pulled his mam up on this basically saying that she needs to give him more help. What did she do?….

Make excuses. It’s because of work..I told you to do better work that’s not good enough.

The point is he can’t without help ! That’s the whole point .

She could have rang up and said.. ” you no what son. I should have helped you more with your work and I no I didn’t . That’s going to change when we do your next one.”

But oh no that would be taking some responsibility .

The thing is I have the kids the majority of the week but I still can’t do all of the work.

She had one piece of work to do with him in the same week I had already done 4 with him & 3 with his brother.

Will things improve…. They haven’t in 8 years 🤷

In the primary school the teachers used to email me the homework because they knew it would be the only way to get it done.

So I’ll not hold my breathe. She needs to do it for her son. He needs help.

Sleepy Sleep Time…

Every Night it’s the same cycle …. I go to sleep at the time I no I should . So I can be ready for the next day and then…

It’s really bad get stuck.

I think “come on you need to sleep….why ain’t you asleep…you need sleep…why can’t you just sleep…”

And it goes on.

And on

And on.

Until I eventually get my usual 2 to 4 hours sleep 👌

Abuse …

I’ve started to notice for a while now patterns of behaviour , things I’m hearing from my children that signifies that once again there mother has an abusive partner.

The children told me about how they scream and shout at eachother around them. That a 16 year old male member of the family tried to calm things down so instead he got in his face “go on then go on do something” offering to let him have the first punch.

The kids are sick off it.

So it leaves me in a weird Place.

You call them out on there abusive behaviour and they deny it then the children suffer because they will be given more abuse for speaking up.

Also told by the kids that there mam the delight she is had told them I’m a rapist & a pedofile . There really is not limit to how low she will go to try and make the children have a different opinion of me.

That is standard mental abuse of children.

So I called her up. I made sure she was aware of every thing I knew . Strange thing though she did not deny it instead told me it would stop and she had a handle on it now.

As I said to her though and I thoroughly ment it. I hear that this behaviour continues I go down the legal route.

Happy Anniversary!

Jesus I can’t believe that I’ve been blogging now for 5 years ! It’s crazy when I started blogging it was because I was going through a tough time and really felt uncomfortable opening up to anyone so I thought putting my thoughts down on a blog would in some way help.

It definitely has. I’ve always just wrote without editing and then hit that publish button almost catharsic .

I just want to say a massive thank you to anyone that reads my little blog you guys mean the world to me.

Thanks ✌️

What A Year….

Honestly this year has not been easy. It’s made me stronger however and reassess my life.

I set about to make the most of every opportunity and to do good things focus on giving back.

Also took time for myself.

I visited Edinburgh a few times on my own & once with a friend and have another visit planed in the new year.

I started twitch streaming Pokémon go and got a really awesome fan base. Even run my own discord channel for fans and instead of asking people for donations for me I accepted them for different charities. Each sent thank you letters.

the last one sent me out this…

I had to walk a million steps ! Did this while streaming and playing Pokémon. Had to sink up my smart watch to prove it and all sorts .

One of the most amazing things has been becoming a uncle ! ♥️ I absolutely love being an Uncle and I’m clearly her favourite. She follows me around the room and I always make her smile & laugh.

Its been so nice seeing her so often too. She’s amazing .

Of course I also meet one of my hero’s twice this year ! It was awesome both times we hung out in the smoking area for him only. First time I snuck out and he respected my gutts for doing it so he invited me the second time. The second time was awesome too so many people remembered me from last time and spent a lot of the night drinking and laughing with people .

Oh I also took the kids away to York . That was so much fun they where so exited on the drive through. We did loads too ♥️

Including the York dungeon ! The kids loved it was so funny and I got a great key ring of this photo.

And while we are talking about the kids….

I also won majority custody of the children absolutely amazing . People tried so hard to fuck things up for those two boys and I’m glad the court actually seen through it. The kids are happier too and that’s the main thing.

Also through the year I really got a sense of being overwhelmed and happy , appreciative of the little things. Things that may seam like not a big deal to anyone become a big deal for me.

The fact I got to hear & love a new album from my favourite band !

That I got to see the final star wars !

The End of game of thrones !

All things someone tried to convince me I’d never enjoy or have…

Ive also enjoyed a over a year for single life and I intend it to continue.

I have spent time and focus on the kids & myself.

It really is great and I can’t wait for our next chapter. I have a viewing next week for a big flat . I’m so exited .

I absolutely love my job too. I’ve progressed really well and my pay rises have ment that I can now afford so much more. Also my legal fees are now all paid off .

I had a horrible time with illness for a long time something I am a working on.

I nearly collapsed at work and discovered I had 3 gallstones 🤦 I had almost 3 months off work and I was in a lot of pain. Was good though as it’s made me commit to a healthy lifestyle change that has seen me lose weight and feel better.

I did the 10 year challenge and I think in the younger one I’ve got ALL the chins.

10 years ago

Few Days Ago.

Christmas was amazing too. Last year was the worst Christmas I’d ever had and all I wanted was this year to be the complete opposite and it was… ♥️

Absolutely love them.

I’m sure there has been plenty I’ve missed but I’ve had an amazing 2019 . I wish everyone the best ✌️

Happy new year everyone ♥️

Closed Doors.

It’s such a shame that there are so many people that feel like this.

I have gone through the worst depression I have ever felt with this year at times and I have felt like this and alone.

I’ve kept myself busy however and really grasped every opportunity. I’ve made improvements to my life and my mental health . I’ve not forgotten who I am.

I’ve been lucky to have so many friends to talk too but I’ve found it difficult too.

I’m always reminded about the night I spent under the bridge and I didn’t want to go home and be sad. I woke up when I rolled over into nettles.

People joke about it or give me a hard time but they don’t know how low I was that night. Or where my head was.

I’ve not wanted to open up and talk and even struggled in therapy.