Do I Want Her Back?

It’s strange right. I’m feeling pretty lonley at the moment and I feel like my clock is ticking.

Last night I had a dream that a reunited with my Ex and we ended up getting back together.

This had a strange effect on me.

First I woke up content and happy. In the end of the dream we had been cuddled in bed the usual my being the big spoon for a while then turning over . Usually threw the night I would wake up and go back to being the big spoon. I did this in this dream and she was gone. Then I woke up.

All day this has been in the back of my mind. 

Does this mean I haven’t gotten over her ? Or is it that I’m feeling lonley? 

Meh another puzzle another day ✌️


This it so true right now.

I feel lonely a lot of the time at the moment and it’s something I’ve always stressed about. 

I’m 30 I have two kids and I want to share my life with someone. I had horrible break ups . I don’t no if I’ve got the strength to try again and if I do I’m not meeting anyone any time soon.

I seam to be stuck in a cycle at the moment. I can almost feel my anxiety bubbling under the surface ready to explode . 

I am for the most part controling it.

Work has been rough recently too lots of changes and things just generally going tits up.
I look forward to my sleep. Listing to my podcasts as I drift off….

Terminal – Rough Draft 


Chapter 1 – Courrage 
When Travis first cast eyes on her standing behind the counter with her fringe playfully hanging over her right eye, green streaks running threw it he knew she was special. 

Every morning Travis stopped by her shop and bought himself ten cigarettes that he’d never smoke giving him a chance to speak to her. It was a delicate game making sure he had timed the queue right to be served by her and not the battle axe she usually worked alongside with.

Today was going to be different than the others. Travis had spent a good ten minutes outside the shop this morning mustering some courage .Today he was going to try and speak to her. After all it had been months.

“Just the ten deck today dude?” she said as Travis moved to the front of the queue. 

“Yes please” Travis said as though something was caught in his throat. “Maybe you should take it easy on the smokes dude?” “But then I’d see you less” before Travis had time to regret his attempt at a chat up line.. “Were do you get off hitting on people at work and with a queue of customers listening too!” she said scowling at Travis. That scowl however quickly turned into a cheeky smile. “I’m winding you up dude, I finish at six tonight dude, bands are on at seven at ku club, and I suppose I will see you there.” 

“Definitely” Travis said embarrassingly while shuffling out off the shop.
Chapter 2
Travis’s job was dull enough most days but today was worse than usual. In-between taking calls all he could do was look at that dull office clock it didn’t seem more than five minutes each time. Then suddley the time had come. He had wished his day away and now the time was here the nerves set in.

Travis had made it to Ku club early. As he walked in his shoes began to stick to the floor as he walked and you could smell the faint odour of sweat and cigarette smoke. 

Travis approached the bar as he walked he could hear the band sound checking. 

“What can i get you?” the bartender said slightly sharply so he could be heard above the band. “Double jack and coke please, with just a splash of coke.”

“Boo!” Screamed a loud ladys voice behind Travis startling him. As he turned round there she was looking stunning as ever.  

“Don’t you know its rude to start drinking before your date arrives? Or are you just to rock and roll for me?” before Travis could answer she began with introductions. “Well anyway my name is Amy, what should i call you?” “I’m Travis” “I love that name, always had it picked out as a cool baby name!” Amy said. 

He looked at her standing there rocking a baggy sunny day real estate t shirt and tartan skirt almost wearing it playfully. Travis almost felt like a imposter in the rock club.

The band began to sound check. There attention was drawn to the stage. There stood three guys. Drums, bass and guitar. They were cokey and funny with it. Amy laughed every time they did . Unfortunately he missed most of the punch lines and just laughed awkwardly along with Amy.

Soon the band began there set as the pub filled up. The singer announced “our next one you’re goanna want to dance too. This is bus life” before he had finished announcing the song Amy had dragged Travis to the dance floor. 

The night spiralled into drinks, ska dancing and laughing and the next thing he knew his alarm was sounding for work the next morning.

His travel to work was full of flash backs from the night before.

Travis felt like he crawled from his bed to the bath room. As he took off his shirt from the night before he laughed. His chest was covered in badly done writing it was Amy’s mobile number scribbled in eyeliner.

So That was a short exert of the basic draft of terminal. Please feel free to offer advice in the comment section. Thanks ✌️

Community​. #Trigger Warning#

This image has really got me tonight.

My life feels a bit down the drain at the moment feel like I’m going threw the motions have I felt suicidal no… But I find it hard to realise when I am. I get close but I could never leave my kids.

When I’ve been close to jumping I’ve thought about them. Thoughts of them are what hold me to the bridge.

You see my life is shit at the moment and I’m doing things to change that.

Im being creative . Writing a book , playing in a band , publishing and selling my photography and creating blogs.

The problem is I don’t have someone to share this with.

Same shit has caused me to be alone again. I fucking hate it. I don’t think I can take the hurt again. I just want to be loved and love in return instead of being told I am when I’m not. Pretty much how all of my relationships end.. 

Just a down day today I suppose.