Last night I had the realisation of peace of happiness I’ve never felt. I’m not sure how but when I’m with her I feel more wanted than I ever have been by anyone.
When we cuddle intogethr it feels like she is just part of me and I’m a part of her.
You see I’ve kided myself a lot in past relationships tried to lie to friends about how great it is and also lie to myself.
This though is unlike any relationship I’ve ever been in. I actually feel loved.
Has is been easy….
Hell no. We’ve had some pretty major fights in the early part of our relationship but we worked through them and no matter what we said about one another have moved on like it never happened.
In a way I feel like it brought us closer together.
I talk ….then I talk…then I txt….then I talk….
I’ve noticed I can’t shut my daym mouth especially when my anxiety is peaking but when I was at my worst point last year I spent a lot of time on my own walking no talking.
I walked for miles every night armed with my Spotify and Pokémon go ( gotta catch em all quietly)
I thought about all sorts and at a few poits didn’t manage to hold back tears and must have looked like a crazy person walking by the road.
Hey don’t listen to Jonny cash when your depressed. 😂
You see I don’t seam to ever do this anymore . Just pop in the ahead phones and just walk no plan just keep walking deciding every turn as you approach them.
Was a good way to fill time. I wasn’t ready to be on my own just doing nothing. Needed to keep busy.
It’s not something I need to do unless I’m going through something .
Suppose a coping method in a way.
Trust has caused some issues in my new relationship. Mainly on my side. The insane thing is I trust her 100% and then my head fucks with me tells me my logic is wrong.
Well fuck you anxiety ! I no the truth now and to be honest I’ve known this all along.
She loves you. She wants only you.
I’ve never had anyone look at me the way she does. I’ve never had a look made me feel so wanted.
I love to be in your arms,
As we look in the stars,
Your eyes disarm ,
Believe you could do no harm.
I’ve had such a brilliant night under the stars in the snow looking over a lake with my love. Hand in hand holding eachother. I’ve never felt like I no that this is right so much.
Real I think I’m quite real with people and I look to cut the bull shit in situations . Even my own bullshit.
Calling yourself on it is sometimes easy and sometime you can call yourself out for causing a problem that dosent exist.
I often think I’m not worth happiness that I have to many scars but I will try and make others happy.
Will anxiety and my head ever alow me to be happy ? Seriously I can’t be the only person to ask themselves this every day.
Take for example if you feel like you have done something wrong and that the person you have wronged is simply busy after that and can’t talk that leaves you to beat yourself up. Over and over again.
Why did I do that ?
What’s wrong with me ?
Have I hurt people?
Why do I hurt people ?
People would be better off without me…..
You see my mind can make me not believe or trust the most honest person I have ever made. Actually no I no the truth I just have my head saying but what if?
I will not let this ruin me and my happiness . I am fighting with my head . I’m making changes I’m just going through a tough time at the moment.
A lot of things remind me of past trauma or things that have effected me emotionally.
I need to remember that I’m not repeating the same situation over again with the same person.
Don’t wanna bang on about this too much but seen this quote and its me !
It’s not beautiful however it’s hard specially with anxiety just telling you it’s going to fuck up or encoding you to fuck it up .
Im happier at the moment more than I ever have been. Unused to lie about things partners would do or say that way nice.
Now I have a partner that actually does those things for me . No bullshit neasesery .