Deserve.

You will find what you deserve when you truly start to love and appreciate yourself for the good in you.

You won’t be lonley to long you will have love and you will have friendships. You can’t live your life with the door closed on these things.

You deserve better. You deserve happiness. You deserve love. You deserve friendship and you deserve peace.

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Lost.

I feel lost & worried when I don’t know people I love or care about are okay ?when you only get a snippet into there life and are left worrying . I didn’t sleep last night how could I . I am trying to get of my mind how worried I am about the person I care about but I cant.

I’ve written down all about the best risk I’ve ever taken and I tried reading it over to myself over and over. Adding bits as I went along. I want that time commited to my memory. I hope everything that was said was ment.

Risk.

I’ve taken some massive risks and would do it all over again and more.

It was worth it . Every minute was worth it. To have one more moment of happiness actually quite a few moments.

I learnt a lot about myself.

I feel like at the moment I am weighing up a lot of things and choices I have to make.

Wondering how I can effect people’s lives less.

Thinking how I can make a good impact to or fix any wrongs before my time runs out.

I don’t want to be selfish I want to do things for others. I want things to improve.

Love.

It’s over for me love. I’m not loved and I won’t be loved by many others too eventually.

They can be loved though and by others. Other people will give them what they deserve. What is right.

Sleep.

I didn’t sleep much last night because I told myself I wanted to enjoy every moment. I did a lot of talking and a lot of watching and trying my hardest to commit it all to memory.

In the end it’s all I will have left. Memories.

Doing things we never got the chance too….

I remember not so long ago on one of our Pokémon go dates heading into a park over looking this amazing monument sitting on a massive hill.

You said “should we go up” then we both came up with excuses not to the final one being you were in heals that night.

So tonight no matter how stupid it may seam I decided to do what we didn’t do then and will probably never do together.

So I set up the hill and was instantly reminded I’m the fat fuck that’s out of shape and my muscles now will agree but I made it.

When I got to the top accompanied with several cows that came along for the crack I couldn’t help think about how you would have reacted to there presence and how it would have had us in fits of laughter.

That thought was immediately taken over by sadness .

I thought about how I hope one day someone gets to share these happy moments with her in the future and that I want to know she will be happy no matter what happens.

I’ve never hurt this much.

All I want to do is be able to talk to her maybe more listening then talking but it’s what I want more than anything. Unfortunately I can’t do that until I’m told that this is over.

Changed ……

I have gone through so much recently and to say it’s changed me as a person is a massive understatement. I’m hurting I feel lost and lonley most times. The sinking feeling in my stomach has never left me for weeks.

I hate that I have hurt someone I care about so much and that I’ve been defensive and I’ve been stupid.

The last words spoken are never enough and maybe I always did to much talking and not enough listing . I know its a common phrase to say that but it is so true.

Hate that anyone I care about has moments of feeling so low. The people I care about are beautiful inside and out .

I’m blessed to have had the life that I have . To have meet the people that I have .

I’m blessed to have two children who love me . Even if I worry that might be a temporary thing.

So soon the kids will be at there mams and I will be wandering about . Think I will play some pogo in a park we used to drive through only because of her competitiveness and determination through our soft ban.

I’m trying to relive happier times.

Wish i could be there…

Hearing how someone you care about is alone upset and not in a safe situation is the worst.

I’m going to try and live a bit today I’ve kind of locked myself up this last week or more .

Going to take the kinds to the cinema and have a nice day for them. When they go about 4pm it’s going to suck. So going to have to keep myself busy.

I think tonight after I’ve dropped the kids off I’m going to go for a wander down some country roads where we used to go and chill there for a while . I’ve been visiting places that remind me of happier times. Makes me feel like she’s still there.

I’m torn up.

I’ve read through my blogs tonight and I wrote only a few through my last relationship. They talk about times that will always be so important and mean so much to me.

Lonley hell I feel it everyday.

I spoke on another platform what being locked up was like for me. I spent hours with myself thinking and going over everything . It was life changing it really makes you think and feel worse than you could ever imagine.

It’s like my phone might as well not be on. No one calls no one messages I just spend my time wishing for something I couldn’t ever have now.

So I’m trying to live life as much as I can at the moment. Live better and take every opportunity that is open to me . Anything at all.

There is so much I want to say and I can’t.

The only person I used to be able to talk to I can’t .

My heads a mess and I’m guessing this entry reads like that too. Anyway time to play some games with my kids while they still love me.