Tag Archives: anxity

Terminal.

Well I’ve found myself with a lot of free time of late. That’s what being a loser is. Sitting alone wishing you were being more productive then realising I actually do quite a bit ! Must be I’ve lost over a stone I’m definitely getting out and about…. But I still have some free time now and again.

This has given me time to revisit a book I’ve been on and off writing for a year or so. It’s coming along great . 

Anyway I may preview a short clip here if there is enough interest. 

It’s a romantic comedy where unusual parings are made and people are thrown together to survive a plauge of abductions… What to read a clip just like this blog (so I no there is interest) and follow to get a email as soon as it’s uploaded. 

If I get 10+ likes it’s happening for sure ✌️

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Diary.

This is the second diary and this is for me to look back on . I will be editing and adding every other day. Feel free to like & Comment.

17th Jan 2017

So today I’ve felt pretty good . Slept well last night and that happens rarely .

Last night was one of those rare occasions. I’d had a good day. I’d been on a date bowling and absolutely wooped her…Not sure if your supposed to do that on a first date but me.

I ain’t getting into it but she’s pretty daym cool.

Once I’d woken up refreshed it was the for work.

For me that’s chefing. Today was very quite and started my new 7-2pm shifts . Finishing at 2 has been daugnting as it leaves me with a lot of time on my hands. 

Today I took up some of that time by hitting the gym.

( Feel free to follow me on Instagram – Search jamesthefreak)

After the gym it was time to chill for a bit I was knackerd and very red faced….

A horrible photo but hopefully it gives you a laugh !

Later on I met my friend Paul and went Pokémon hunting it was nice just chilling with Paul and having a good catch up. 

Now time for me to wind down with a happy pod cast and hopefully have another great night’s sleep. ✌️

18 Jan 2017

Last night I slept well and heavy feel a little half asleep as I travel to work.

I stopped at the local news agent to be served but a repulsive new starter trying to engage in conversation. I thought to myself “not today”.

A morning were little social interaction would be appreciated.

 I cheered up threw the day thank good and  soon it was 2pm and time to finish work.

I’d over done it at the gym so knees were sore . Rest day today !

I visited my Gran tonight . She is getting more forgetful and less independent since her last visit. It’s tough on my Mam so I try and support her as much as I can. Even if it’s just going with her to visit.

Feb 16th 

Have not bloged in a while keeping busy but not busy.

I started dating a woman it was going pretty good however I didn’t feel any electricity any want for her. Before I could break it off she did.

Looks like I made the mistake of thinking a new relationship would help me forget the last. It actually ment this one had a lot to live up to and well…It didn’t. Not to say that I still have any romantic feelings for what was that’s in the past.

I reached out to the ex to extend a final attempt at a friendship it was declined (no reply) so that’s put that to bed.

Ive been filling my time by binge watching Netflix and Pokémon Go…..

I’m looking forward to the new update I will be out walking all the time !

Match 4 2017

So the end of today went weird…

A text off the ex. So less than a week ago she was removing me from her instergram and a week before that I mesaaged to say hope all was well and got no response I get this.

I don’t think I would have been up for a catch up… 

A – Hey what’s up with you?

Me – just getting by day today with nothing much to do just deal with the anxity and shit that goes with a bad break up and accepting that there will not be a friendship and feeling a bit hurt and scorned…. How about you ?

😂😂

Maybe this will eventually happen but I won’t hold my breath.

That Feeling.

Why is my stomach in constant Knott’s ? It’s been like this for over a week now . I manage breakfast each day and can not bring myself to even snack threw the day let alone have another meal.

Everything at the moment reminds me of her /us.

I was even walking threw a back lane and the same heater she has in her conservatory was smashed on the floor. I thought . “For fucks sake evan a fucking heater!”

I’m trying very hard to separate myself from her and keep positive but everybody is picking up on my mood. My answer “I’m just not feeling well”.

I don’t want to ever go threw this again. As cliche as it may sound that’s it for me . Relationships are not worth it for the hurt that comes after.

I didn’t think I had it in me to have a relationship and she made me change and feel comfortable around her.

How did I repay her a moment of stupidity that I thought I could undo strait away. I couldn’t then she found out before it disappeared. 

I fucking hate myself for what I’ve done.

What if she was the one for me and I threw it away .

Sad Times & Understanding Them.

So let’s just get this out there. Depression sucks ass. Those with it suffer sometimes daily and friends of those suffering try there best to understand.

It’s the nothingness that can be the worst . It’s a strange thing to describe feeling empty sort of numb. The good thing (taking from my experience , not always the same for others.) It tends to pass.

It’s the anxiety , sadness ,self loathing , hopelessness ,isolation and guilt that causes a constant cycle. Some times that cycle can be broken bit often enough it will find its way back too you.

Now our numbness and our difficulty to communicate cam often be read as not caring about others. This couldn’t be further from the truth.

Friends and loved ones mean a great deal too us , never forget that.

Stick in there . Never be afraid to educate yourself on the subject of depression and be understanding.

It gets hard before it gets better.

Closeness 

Well said Riker.

Trust is very important . When you suffer from anxiety however trust is hard to give as you are fighting against silly thoughts while trying to trust.

It can be difficult. Luckily for me I have someone who makes me feel comfortable at eases and able to trust. It’s strange in a good way but I have no doubt she is full off kindness & a warm heart. She makes it easy to trust.

So thinking about that I think it has a lot to do with the person that makes you feel comfortable.

At work for example I don’t expect my colleges to tell me the truth all the time . There is no weight on me to trust them. Sure it annoys me when I catch one lying but in the great sceame of things it matters very little to my health.

I’m Fine.

image

So I was surprised to see this quote in a public toilet today. Always good to get deep while reliving !

I think judging by this quote we have all said ” I’m fine.”

I suppose when I say this ,and I’m lying it’s because I don’t want to talk about what’s up. I don’t want to add to how I’m feeling.
I’m grateful that I use my blog to talk and vent about what is on my mind.

So why do you lie and say ” I’m fine” ? How do you deal with it when you feel like that? Let me no in the comment section.

ABC’s

Confessing my ABC’s

A- Age: 28

B- Biggest Fear: Getting old and being a burden too my kids.

C- Current Time: 23:05

D- Drink you last had: Coke.

E- Easiest Person To Talk to: My best mate Alex.

F- Favorite Song: wow too man to mention . At the moment. Stop – Against Me!

G- Grossest Memory:Projectile vomiting from my room to the bathroom . I thought I was gonna die !

H- Hometown: Sunderland.

I- In love with: Being a Dad.

J- Jealous Of: I Don’t get jealous.

K- Killed Someone? Loads online.

L- Longest Relationship: 3+ Years.

M- Middle Name: John Henry

N- Number of children: 2

O- One Wish: That my kids live a happy life.

P- Person who you last called: My Sister.

Q- Question you’re always asked: “You’re A Dad?”

R- Reason to smile: kids

S- Song you last sang: Stop – Against Me!

T- Time you woke up: 7am ish.

U- Underwear Color: Batman Pants :p

V- Vacation Destination: Hawaii

W- Worst Habit: Biting Nails and Fingers.

X- Xrays you’ve had: easily 10+

Y- Your favorite food: lasagna.

Z- Zodiac Sign: Libra.

Comment with yours . Let’s get to no each other 🙂