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Do I Want Her Back?

It’s strange right. I’m feeling pretty lonley at the moment and I feel like my clock is ticking.

Last night I had a dream that a reunited with my Ex and we ended up getting back together.

This had a strange effect on me.

First I woke up content and happy. In the end of the dream we had been cuddled in bed the usual my being the big spoon for a while then turning over . Usually threw the night I would wake up and go back to being the big spoon. I did this in this dream and she was gone. Then I woke up.

All day this has been in the back of my mind. 

Does this mean I haven’t gotten over her ? Or is it that I’m feeling lonley? 

Meh another puzzle another day ✌️

Exhausted.

This it so true right now.

I feel lonely a lot of the time at the moment and it’s something I’ve always stressed about. 

I’m 30 I have two kids and I want to share my life with someone. I had horrible break ups . I don’t no if I’ve got the strength to try again and if I do I’m not meeting anyone any time soon.

I seam to be stuck in a cycle at the moment. I can almost feel my anxiety bubbling under the surface ready to explode . 

I am for the most part controling it.

Work has been rough recently too lots of changes and things just generally going tits up.
I look forward to my sleep. Listing to my podcasts as I drift off….

Community​. #Trigger Warning#

This image has really got me tonight.

My life feels a bit down the drain at the moment feel like I’m going threw the motions have I felt suicidal no… But I find it hard to realise when I am. I get close but I could never leave my kids.

When I’ve been close to jumping I’ve thought about them. Thoughts of them are what hold me to the bridge.

You see my life is shit at the moment and I’m doing things to change that.

Im being creative . Writing a book , playing in a band , publishing and selling my photography and creating blogs.

The problem is I don’t have someone to share this with.

Same shit has caused me to be alone again. I fucking hate it. I don’t think I can take the hurt again. I just want to be loved and love in return instead of being told I am when I’m not. Pretty much how all of my relationships end.. 

Just a down day today I suppose. 

Tierd.

You no I’m sick of being alone and I’m sick of making the effort getting involved and finding myself back alone.

It’s a repeating pattern . It’s a shitty one. 

The worst part is falling in love with people who don’t love you .

You see I never seam to have a clue when this is happening. The last relationship was a big one for me.
Meeting new people seams like such a effort but I’m trying I don’t no how much trying I’ve got left in me.

2 Year Blog Anniversary ! How & Why I Started ….

So two years ago my life was falling apart….Well at least that’s how it felt.

I had been in a relationship for over three years and in the end it imploded. Mainly because both of us had fell out of love with each other.

It caused tit for tat arguments and more survere ones too. The good days however made you convince yourself the rest of the shit was worth it.

In reality it isn’t.

This caused me to go into the worst spiral of anxity ups and downs I have ever had.

Luckley for me I had a very supportive friend who’s house moreorless became mine for about a month maybe more.

I will always be great full for that.

( Me on the left , Alex my friend on the right )

I was pretty down and ended up in one on one counciling again.

This time it was suggested that I joined a writing therapy group.

It was run buy a lovely lady and the group was all lady’s . 

Each week we did various exercises writing about our issues and talking about what we had written to the group . 

Then I had a idea …

I started to write a blog. I used quotes that I thought ment something to me and wrote about what feelings it brought up.

And on days I couldn’t bring myself to write about that I wrote about anything. Made my own funny lists , reviewed music , talked about films whatever got my mind of my anxiety.

Then the most amazing thing happened….

You guys started following , commenting and liking in the hundreds. I didn’t feel alone e anymore. Reading like-minded blogs reafermed this .

So that’s how it began. Want to no more ? A summary of the rest of the two years ? Let me no in the comment section and I may do it with enough requests.

Peace and love ✌️

James.

Drowning.

This it totally true you have no idea if the people around you are struggling. I feel that people often put up a front as the idea of any sort of weekness is frowned upon.

When I’m feeling down I don’t hide it very well most of the time but I do tend to hibernate away in my room. We all have our ways off escaping into our self witch isn’t always best.

This is why I blog. Challenge myself to talk about it and talk to others it feels great !