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Wipe…

If you could wipe the memories that hurt would you?

I was driving around tonight and no matter where I drove a memory would shoot strait into my head about where I was.

All sorts and even though it hurt to have the memory they where of good times.

At times I prayed that those memories would never come to me again. I’m sure we have all thought the same. I just find myself conflicted.

I suppose at the moment like most nights I’m wishing for the memories to create a dream so I can escape reality for a while.

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Ups & Downs

I used to get so stressed out when I set my alarm and panicked that I would not get enough sleep and that would have an effect on my time with people the next day.

Silly and counter productive.

I’m more relaxed about this now as what is worth stressing about has really been put into perspective.

Just means I’m really enjoying my nights cuddling my pillows like a loser listing things that make me happy until I fall asleep.

Last nights dream was awesome so going to wish for another.

Fun Dream….

Having pretty vivid dreams at the moment probably due to the tablets that I’m on but they have been good dreams so I hope for another one tonight ….

So in this dream we decided to look at the outside of a house we had seen for rent.

For some reason we tried the door and to our surprise it was open!

We went in and began to realise that the house was completely empty and abandoned but it was a nice house and once the door was locked and we were together ,we were safe to be together.

We began kissing passionately and I will leave it there for that bit.

After we had explored every room in the house and we were lying together amongst a old looking blanket on the bathroom floor we joked and remembered the time we had done the same before with her sitting on the sink and how passionate it was.

Then months seamed to go buy , then years.

And as we were returning back to the house she put me to bed. I new this was the end for me. She cuddled into me and I new that when I closed my eyes I would not open them again. Rather then distressing her I just held her tight told her I loved her and then shut my eyes.

Dad Challenges.

For a while now I’ve been doing dad challenges for my kids when they are off school and I have to work.

Its loads of fun to do and what makes it even better is the kids love it.

I love seeing the results of there work when I get in.

I’ve got something in the pipe line about dad challenges in the works and that has me exited too! They will be going out to a bigger audience.

Kids….

Just one of those days I had a big emotional punch to the gut yesterday and its got me quite down.

I’m back to the butterflies as a memory sparks in my brain then strait away the sinking feeling .

Suppose could be down to the dream I had last night . I really care about her built her walkers & toys up. I used to love letting her sit in the drivers seat of my car. She got so exited. That’s just a few small memories.

I see family’s walk past with little girls and I think “I always thought id be there for her when she got to that age etc”.

What makes me happy about it though is that she is young and will have forgotten about me a long time ago.

Also in other news ….

Imagine finding out after 12 years that you have a kid that you where never told about ?

Crazy right?

Why make someone out to be a monster when in fact you lied to him and hid your pregnancy. So you make someone out as not caring but is that the truth?

Now I’ve seen what he looks like too its very strange.

This is a hard time for me but the one person I would talk to , she’s out of my life so yeah 😂

Pregnancy….

That could one way at looking at it.

I’ve been in a few relationships that when they started to end they would make these claims. I always remember one when I was around 18 actually had to persuade her to take a test and only just as she was about to take it the truth came out.

I’ve had one where it left me in pieces. I wanted more than anything to start a family with her .

Holding her belly , talking to the baby. During a time of sadness it gave me hope and thought it was just my luck that it would come at a time like this.

However….

I suppose in a weird way I’m not mad just disappointed and I’m not sure why.

I suppose its gave me a brief feeling of happiness that felt real and discovered I’m terrible at thinking of baby names!

Yes,I’m Fine.

Was half way through writing a blog when I came across this amazing poster!

I’m going to break it down and what it means to me underneath it.

Freaked out....

Yeah I freak out now and again not so much at the moment but its usually down to my perception of either myself or a social situation.

Insecure….

I suppose I have quite a lot of insincerity all born out of past relationships and Self doubt about myself.

I shared my insecurity and what upset me with the wrong people unfortunately. So it could be used with little jokey put downs that had an effect on me.

Nervous……

I’ve always been a nervous guy however not many people would say that about me. Guess I’ve kinda worked out how to use my nervous energy to my advantage.

Guess I’ve always forced myself into situations where nervous are inevitable. Like playing in bands and acting. Its the trade off for doing something you love…..I guess.

Emotional…..

To say I’m emotional would be a understatement especially recently. I’ve always connected with a certain type of music……

Wonder why?

I’ve always been comfortable expressing my emotions even if this is often taken advantage of or mocked by the people who matter the most to me.