Tag Archives: diary

Forever Alone Can Fuck Off

The last 24 hours have been so hard so mentally challanging and on about 2 Hours sleep.

After I left Sam with her mates. She continued to message me she was going to walk home from.where she was early morning.

There is no way I would let her ever do that because I care about her so fucking much.

Even though I was upset I didn’t no where I stood did she still not want to be with me ?

I had to make sure she was safe.

I got her back to hers and tried to be distant and get her to bed safely and leave. She wanted me I didn’t feel like I could do anything incase when she sobered up would have regretted it.

It’s killed me.

It killed her.

Then it happened we both talked we both seen eachother in a park with the kids and it was like nothing had happened. Looking into her beautiful blue eyes I new no matter what shit we will go through we will come out stronger.

I wouldn’t keep fighting for someone I don’t love and I’ve never felt a love like this .


Random Diary 31/1/18

This is more a diary entry unlike my other blogs.

Tonight was amazing. I met my lady we went for a drive to get some cake ! Turned out the cake was a let down but it was the journey that was fun.

I once we had walked around the shop and got our cake we headed for a drive along the sea front . There was a nice pub that I had been to before so we grabbed a drink and talked about all the strange things that had happened to ourselfs on various holidays.

I love getting to know more about her.

Then we drove further along the cost and pulled up . We walked along the promonard hand in had. I loved that she kept pulling me in for kisses.

We talked the whole time about a future house and about other random things.

Then we went back to hears for cake 👌

A simple night to most people but not to me. I loved every moment and I love her.

I hope these moments are as special to her ❤️

Anxiety Stop Kicking My Ass!

I seam to be kicking my ass over and over the same shit recently.

Just not really felt very positive about myself or the impact I have on other people.

I am often finding myself down the negitive side of anxiety when you think all the worries and all the bull shit is because I’m broken and why the fuck can’t I fix it ?

At the moment I am having a lot of support from my partner even though she dosent seam to realise. Sometimes just being able to enjoy the peace of cuddling into her and watching something and letting myself relax is the best feeling in the world.

I never and I mean never feel like that.

Also been able to talk to her and even making long calls (normally calls freak me out )

So time to move the fuck on with life. Put this worry and doubt behind me and continue to stay strong.

Dating With Anxiety – Part 2

Oh you do love me ? Are you sure…..

See sometimes I have a lot of doubts about how people feel about me. My family , my friends and my partner.

I often don’t feel like I deserve any of them.

I wonder how she could love me / put up with me. Sometimes I can be sensitive about the littlest thing and it’s because I’ve already thought of 10+ negitive things about the statement you have made.

For example ” You really are a dick”

You see if this is character flaw bassed or something I don’t do. You can bet I’ve already been aware and beaten myself up in my head for months about it. Then when.you say it , it then feel 10x worse because you agree . It isn’t just in my head.

We had a little falling out lastnight over something I don’t do..something I’m aware of. What pissed me off is why haven’t I don’t anything about it before . I know I should be doing it . So what did I do . Took it out on the person that matters the most to me.

We made up and I couldn’t be happier about that.

I try to do little things to show her I care. I’ve switched of from.romance a long time ago but with her I want to show her how much I care. Not felt like this before.

I’ve been becoming a better person in a lot of ways by being around her. Seeing her kind hearted ways.

She lies here next to me now snoring in the cute way she does . I love it. I love her.

And I’m finishing this blog so I can go cuddle into her.

Brain is wired tonight tho so not sure if I’m.gonna sleep but I’m.going to enjoy the comphat of lying next to the person that means the most to me.

Budda Gets It Again.

Last night I had the realisation of peace of happiness I’ve never felt. I’m not sure how but when I’m with her I feel more wanted than I ever have been by anyone.

When we cuddle intogethr it feels like she is just part of me and I’m a part of her.

You see I’ve kided myself a lot in past relationships tried to lie to friends about how great it is and also lie to myself.

This though is unlike any relationship I’ve ever been in. I actually feel loved.

Has is been easy….

Hell no. We’ve had some pretty major fights in the early part of our relationship but we worked through them and no matter what we said about one another have moved on like it never happened.

In a way I feel like it brought us closer together.

Fitness Time – Part 2 –  Weightloss Results & Goals.

So far I have lost 4 pounds in about 5 days . Usually taking the weightloss pills twice a day with meals.

I have also exercised 3 times 

I am happy with the results as I do not want weight dropping to quick.

I have been looking at some old pictures after my last successful diet.

(Feel free to find me on Instagram)

Man I no I will have taken that with a good angle but I look skinny compared to what I am like now. This is something to aim for . I’ve done it before and I can do it again.

I’ve also been doing some research apparently I need to try and do my cardio workout early in the morning before I have eaten. This way when I achieve my target heart rate I will burn fat directly instead of the foods eaten first. 

I will have to work out when to take the pills as it’s to be taken with food. Will try taking after gym and see how this all works out.
If you have any tips feel free to drop a comment ✌️

Fitness Time…

So I’ve done a few fitness diarys on here and guess what…here’s another.

I suppose when I look at myself all I see is a over weight not as young looking as I feel sack of shit.

Harsh but true. I suppose all that’s left for me to do is change that myself.

Last time I had a successful weightloss was using weight burners to assist.

This time I am using this one . It is to be taken up to three times a day with food. I am taking it just twice daily and trying to add exercise aswell.

Is this cheating probably… 

So I went to the gym after work.

I couldn’t believe that I managed to run 5K at my first session back. I suppose I can always say I have good stamana and thats probably from drumming.