Tag Archives: help

What A Weekend ….

Started with a random drive too…. Edinburgh !

I did some Pokemon & meet some cool people. Did a few 5 star raids and just explored had a few drinks then went back to my apartment.

I got myself all ready and took myself on a pub crawl around some really old and rough pubs.

This beer was like rocket fuel ! So after walking around tipsy .. I found myself at a bar called labowskies. Great themed bar all about the film. One of my favorites.

Of course those of you that no the film will understand why I had to have this….

A white Russian.

I took it outside and a woman told me that I should hide it because it wasn’t allowed 😂

We got talking and ended up tagging along to a jazz bar ! It was in a basement then band was amazing. Then I bailed … And realized I was lost and drunk .. so I just continued my pub crawl until I found a taxi . Got dropped off near the apartment grabbed some pizza and headed back.

The bed was so comfortable but maybe I needed it.

Then in the morning I drove home. I really enjoyed the drive there and back 3 hours each way. I’ve done so many random things like this I love it.

Then on Saturday it was my son’s 10th birthday 👌

He loved his main gift nearly bigger than him! Serious bit of kit.

And I knocked up some party food was themed everything on the table was food that he likes. So mainly sweet stuff 🙈

Then Sunday we went swimming , peddle boat & had some food out.

Great end to a great weekend.

The weekend really started with me wanting to run away. Forgot about what this time last year was like. To not have to think about the lies. I keep trying to remember the good times but it’s all clouded by bullshit.

However I’ve focused on the right people this weekend and I hope everyone else has had a great weekend .

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Kids….

Just one of those days I had a big emotional punch to the gut yesterday and its got me quite down.

I’m back to the butterflies as a memory sparks in my brain then strait away the sinking feeling .

Suppose could be down to the dream I had last night . I really care about her built her walkers & toys up. I used to love letting her sit in the drivers seat of my car. She got so exited. That’s just a few small memories.

I see family’s walk past with little girls and I think “I always thought id be there for her when she got to that age etc”.

What makes me happy about it though is that she is young and will have forgotten about me a long time ago.

Also in other news ….

Imagine finding out after 12 years that you have a kid that you where never told about ?

Crazy right?

Why make someone out to be a monster when in fact you lied to him and hid your pregnancy. So you make someone out as not caring but is that the truth?

Now I’ve seen what he looks like too its very strange.

This is a hard time for me but the one person I would talk to , she’s out of my life so yeah 😂

Words can not express….

How absolutely devastated I am tonight.

People had said that people had moved on that they were dating that they were moving on.

I didn’t believe them I had some stupid idea that these people loved me that they cared for me even through all of this.

I was so wrong to believe this.

I know now the truth how easy it was for them. How little they actually care.

Did you have to update info on your profile to check things…. no. I found out a while ago had to check for myself tonight.

There is no way I’m going to sleep tonight its way past midnight and I have to be up in less than 5 hours but how could my mind let me rest when I feel like this.

I have no one to talk to no one that cares. I used to but that is gone .

Living.

Its so hard living at the moment when your in constant fear. I feel like for anything at all I can be detained and its a living hell every time I am.

Its always a great pick me up to hear people I still have strong feelings for are hating me and its clear there was never any real love for me.

Its nice to hear them “moving on” never thought it would be that easy for them.

Anyway lets see if I can enjoy my Saturday……. doubt it.

Alone.

That is what my destiny is to be alone. I thought I could be happy and no matter how much I care about someone I must remain alone.

I hoped that we would have the perfect time together before we left eachother.

I hoped we’d finish watching our show together , I hoped we would make eachother laugh, I hoped we would tell eachother we loved one another , that things would get better, I hoped I would be able to get lost in her eyes one last time , I hoped we’d hold eachother , I hoped we’d kiss eachother , I hoped we would walk hand in hand , I hoped we would tell eachother something that we didn’t know about eachother , I hoped we would wake one last time in the night & say I love you , I hoped we would do something silly together , I hoped we would play games together we had never done before , I hoped to hear her Awkward laughter once more , I hoped to see her smile , I hoped to hear her talk about the future , I hoped to hold her belly expecting our child , I hoped to cheer her up one last time , I hoped to hear her talk about her day , I hoped to hear her complain about all the jobs she had to do , I hoped to hear about how well her baby was doing , I hoped to sing along to music one more time , I hoped to hold her close and hear her say I love you & say it back , I hoped to share another cigarette break together, I hoped to have another drive together, I hoped to run my hands through her hair one more time , I hoped to dance with her , I hoped to make her laugh , I hoped to get competitive with her , I hoped to hear her tell me how stupid my baby name suggestions are , I hoped to bitch to her about something in my life that doesn’t matter & hear her do the same , I hoped to convide in her , I hoped to tickle her to make her laugh & to relax her , I hoped to take her out for another meal , I hoped to have another family day with her , I hoped to change for her , I hoped to hear her exited voice ,I hoped to hear her get lyrics wrong , I hoped for her to tell me to relax again , I hoped for her to come to bed when she wasn’t sleepy , I hoped to fall asleep on the couch with her , I hoped to be dragged to bed when I did , I hoped that we would share another bath another shower , I hoped we would take another risk together , I hoped we’d take out the trash again together , I hoped we would paddle together on the beach , I hoped we would laugh at people together , I hoped she would tell me how shit the film was that I chose again , I hoped we’d go to the cinema together again , I hoped I’d see her drawings again , I hoped I’d get to see her cosplay , I hoped I’d get to see her get a job & celebrate , I hoped to see her drive & get a car , I’d hoped that we had our engagement party , I’d hoped I’d see her come down the ayle , I’d hoped we’d make it to Japan , I’d hoped that she would forever be mine.

Now I hope for nothing more than to hear her voice to know that no matter what she is going to be okay. I hope for too much.

Homesick.

Every morning I wake up before the sun is up look to my right and see nothing just a brick wall.

Then immediately feel shit. I used to look right and see the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

I used to be able to give her a cuddle, squeeze her and tell her I love her and she would say it back to me in that half asleep way she did.

Then I would just lay with her cuddling her playing with her hair.

Sometimes I would fall back asleep sometimes I would just be stuck in that moment.

Now though when I wake up I feel pain , I feel lonleyness and regret.

Nothing.

I’m sure I’ve used this before but it remains relevant to me 100% . At work I just kinda glide through things I don’t usually talk to many people anyway and if I do it’s just polite answers to questions related to my work.

My mind however is constantly all over the place my stomach sinks constantly triggered by random thoughts.

You see it doesn’t really matter what I’m doing it all goes back to the same thing……