Tag Archives: hurt

Forever Alone

So for followers of my blog you will no that the last 5 months have been amazing in so many ways.

I meet Sam. I’ve never felt like I have with her with anyone. This felt difrent . It felt right.

She is beautiful , funny , caring and a great mam.

We really did have a connection.

Now I fucked things. I messaged her mate early on into the relationship (about 5 months ago?) And said some inappropriate things. I have regretted that ever since.

The feeling that I might have lost her over something so fucking stupid nearly killed me.

Literally.

Somehow we worked through it.

I tried so hard to show her how much I cared.

But have always had the argument where she says I don’t love her or she dosent deserve me.

I’ve fought and fought for us.

I made romantic gestures and even introduced her to my kids.

She was so good with them and they love her. It’s going to be very hard dealing with them asking to see Sam . Witch they do pretty much every day.

Kids don’t understand.

Things though have been hard and tonight while she was out drinking with her “friends” she started giving me shit for things I’ve done 5 months ago. Her friend decided to show the messages to her again while drinking. This was clearly to upset Sam.

Her friends seam to think they no best .

Then again recently she has been pushing away.

Tonight I drove to her at 3 in the morning to be confronted by two guys. Mates of hers trying to be intimidating. While I tried to talk to Sam.

Then her mate took over the talking to be frank and ask what we want.

I told her what I want “Sam” but Sam did not have the same strong reaction.

So her friend led her as she has all night into us having a “break”

Well fuck having a break. A break to me is giving up or a way to try and let someone down gently.

You see the thing is at the end off all of this. I realised something. I’ve been fighting for us from day one nearly because I love her.

I wonder at the end of the day did Sam just didn’t have the balls to end our relationship.

I’m struggling to think of any other reason behind all this.

Then I’m thinking after all that’s gone on. Her best mates not liking me male friends being threating. The fact that she clearly dosent trust me. Could it even work anyway ? Could we work through and past this shit.

I no I can for her if she wants me. I’ve never felt like this about anyone.

All I no is that I’m mentally exhausted.

Embarrassed . I caused it myself.

So at 4:25 am dosent look like I will be getting much sleep. I hope she sleeps well though.

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Never Shut The Fuck Up…..

I talk ….then I talk…then I txt….then I talk….

I’ve noticed I can’t shut my daym mouth especially when my anxiety is peaking but when I was at my worst point last year I spent a lot of time on my own walking no talking.

I walked for miles every night armed with my Spotify and Pokémon go ( gotta catch em all quietly)

I thought about all sorts and at a few poits didn’t manage to hold back tears and must have looked like a crazy person walking by the road.

Hey don’t listen to Jonny cash when your depressed. 😂

You see I don’t seam to ever do this anymore . Just pop in the ahead phones and just walk no plan just keep walking deciding every turn as you approach them.

Was a good way to fill time. I wasn’t ready to be on my own just doing nothing. Needed to keep busy.

It’s not something I need to do unless I’m going through something . 

Suppose a coping method in a way.

Hope.

I suppose right now I’m quite numb but pained. Strange sentence right. 

I was lonley and not ready to get into a relationship for whatever reason I’ve tried. Just can’t find it. So I’ve been filling my life up to the brim. Extra time with my kids , going to the gym , doing my photography and catching up with friends.

I do have hope though. I am going to list what I hope for . Maybe one day I will look back on it and I will have some off these things.

* To feel healthy 

* To fall in love

* To make more friends

* Be financially stable

Maybe some goals and things I hope for are easier to achieve than others. Let’s see what the future brings.

Time To Get My Life Of Track.

So apparently there is some monster inside of me.

I don’t no if it comes from my anxiety or my over sexualised mind.

I’ve done some pretty horrible things to people I’ve been attracted to and sometimes loved. 

Some pretty stupid stuff too.

This I like to keep to myself to a certain extent.

At the bottom of me I’m lonley. I want that idilic relationship that so many people seam to have.

So my quest for a relationship is definitely a mess. I am really out of my depth. 

So it’s time to focus up on me , my kids and bettering my life.

It starts today with 40 day and night challenge.

Those firmilia with the film will no that for 40 days and 40 nights the lead trust to go without sex this includes masterbating .

I will be doing this starting from today 6th August until 14th September.

Hopefully this will desexualize myself and get things into perspective.

I am also going to rejoin my gym start working towards my weight loss . 

A lot of how I feel about women not liking me is down to how I feel about myself looking in the mirror.

Then it’s the job I have. I suppose no job is easy especially when you are as anxious as I am. However I do think it is time for a change.

Wish me luck. If you have and advice please leave it in the comment section.

I will also be keeping a diary during my 40 day challenge.

No More Hurt.

Screw it you can’t live your life like this…We no this. So why do we?

Depends on the day for me I like to make the effort to take chances most of the time but it sure as hell is scary.

The problem is getting hurt the more it happens dosent seam to toughen me up just makes me more worried for the next hurt round the corner.

But fuck it I must be a gluten for punishment.

Keep It Inside.

I have a lot of people asking me “are you okay”. Most of the time in my head I’m thinking. I was until you asked me dam it!

Truth is I’ve been hurting for weeks now (it’s what I deserve). I just think keeping it to myself is better for everyone else. Plus’s the one person I felt I could talk to about this I can’t anymore.

Do you find yourself doing the same thing ? I bet you do. It sucks right?

I just don’t want to hurt anyone else. I don’t want what I’m going threw to bring others down.