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Forever Alone

So for followers of my blog you will no that the last 5 months have been amazing in so many ways.

I meet Sam. I’ve never felt like I have with her with anyone. This felt difrent . It felt right.

She is beautiful , funny , caring and a great mam.

We really did have a connection.

Now I fucked things. I messaged her mate early on into the relationship (about 5 months ago?) And said some inappropriate things. I have regretted that ever since.

The feeling that I might have lost her over something so fucking stupid nearly killed me.

Literally.

Somehow we worked through it.

I tried so hard to show her how much I cared.

But have always had the argument where she says I don’t love her or she dosent deserve me.

I’ve fought and fought for us.

I made romantic gestures and even introduced her to my kids.

She was so good with them and they love her. It’s going to be very hard dealing with them asking to see Sam . Witch they do pretty much every day.

Kids don’t understand.

Things though have been hard and tonight while she was out drinking with her “friends” she started giving me shit for things I’ve done 5 months ago. Her friend decided to show the messages to her again while drinking. This was clearly to upset Sam.

Her friends seam to think they no best .

Then again recently she has been pushing away.

Tonight I drove to her at 3 in the morning to be confronted by two guys. Mates of hers trying to be intimidating. While I tried to talk to Sam.

Then her mate took over the talking to be frank and ask what we want.

I told her what I want “Sam” but Sam did not have the same strong reaction.

So her friend led her as she has all night into us having a “break”

Well fuck having a break. A break to me is giving up or a way to try and let someone down gently.

You see the thing is at the end off all of this. I realised something. I’ve been fighting for us from day one nearly because I love her.

I wonder at the end of the day did Sam just didn’t have the balls to end our relationship.

I’m struggling to think of any other reason behind all this.

Then I’m thinking after all that’s gone on. Her best mates not liking me male friends being threating. The fact that she clearly dosent trust me. Could it even work anyway ? Could we work through and past this shit.

I no I can for her if she wants me. I’ve never felt like this about anyone.

All I no is that I’m mentally exhausted.

Embarrassed . I caused it myself.

So at 4:25 am dosent look like I will be getting much sleep. I hope she sleeps well though.

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Hey Depression , Why You So Sad …You Prick !

Sometimes I have days were everything kinda sucks. My anxiety has created negative sinarios and when I struggle to see the good I get clouded in by depressions bull shit.

I forget I’m loved.

Anxiety creates depression for me because I’m always thinking about the worst case and for me that is not being loved.

Sometimes I can feel like that for hours or days but when I come out of the haze and realise that I am in fact loved that I don’t need to beat myself up. Hell I feel stupid but because of what I’ve gone through mentality it makes me massively greatfull for the happy times .

So fuck you depressive thoughts.

Fortunately I don’t feel like I am owned by these thoughts. I feel really sorry for those that do . I only get snipits.

If your reading this and you do. Remember you are loved you are important and things will ultimately get better .

Anxiety Stop Kicking My Ass!

I seam to be kicking my ass over and over the same shit recently.

Just not really felt very positive about myself or the impact I have on other people.

I am often finding myself down the negitive side of anxiety when you think all the worries and all the bull shit is because I’m broken and why the fuck can’t I fix it ?

At the moment I am having a lot of support from my partner even though she dosent seam to realise. Sometimes just being able to enjoy the peace of cuddling into her and watching something and letting myself relax is the best feeling in the world.

I never and I mean never feel like that.

Also been able to talk to her and even making long calls (normally calls freak me out )

So time to move the fuck on with life. Put this worry and doubt behind me and continue to stay strong.

Dating With Anxiety – Part 2

Oh you do love me ? Are you sure…..

See sometimes I have a lot of doubts about how people feel about me. My family , my friends and my partner.

I often don’t feel like I deserve any of them.

I wonder how she could love me / put up with me. Sometimes I can be sensitive about the littlest thing and it’s because I’ve already thought of 10+ negitive things about the statement you have made.

For example ” You really are a dick”

You see if this is character flaw bassed or something I don’t do. You can bet I’ve already been aware and beaten myself up in my head for months about it. Then when.you say it , it then feel 10x worse because you agree . It isn’t just in my head.

We had a little falling out lastnight over something I don’t do..something I’m aware of. What pissed me off is why haven’t I don’t anything about it before . I know I should be doing it . So what did I do . Took it out on the person that matters the most to me.

We made up and I couldn’t be happier about that.

I try to do little things to show her I care. I’ve switched of from.romance a long time ago but with her I want to show her how much I care. Not felt like this before.

I’ve been becoming a better person in a lot of ways by being around her. Seeing her kind hearted ways.

She lies here next to me now snoring in the cute way she does . I love it. I love her.

And I’m finishing this blog so I can go cuddle into her.

Brain is wired tonight tho so not sure if I’m.gonna sleep but I’m.going to enjoy the comphat of lying next to the person that means the most to me.

Dating with Anxiety – Part 1

Maybe I’m always going to worry I’m not good enough for you. In fact never mind maybe I no I will.

It’s true. I’ve caused some worry for myself and now I feel so stupid.

I often think I’m not good enough but then you look at me and tell me you love me and my heart melts.

I look in your eyes and I feel safe.

I fall asleep and wake up feeling bad because I would be given shit for doing the same with other partners. For that you look at me like I’m daft.

I have to keep reminding myself off this.

We could have the future I want.

A house , kids , marriage and Beeing stuck with me Forever.

I just sometimes have to remind myself that I’m loved and that you love me. It’s hard sometimes.

Budda Gets It Again.

Last night I had the realisation of peace of happiness I’ve never felt. I’m not sure how but when I’m with her I feel more wanted than I ever have been by anyone.

When we cuddle intogethr it feels like she is just part of me and I’m a part of her.

You see I’ve kided myself a lot in past relationships tried to lie to friends about how great it is and also lie to myself.

This though is unlike any relationship I’ve ever been in. I actually feel loved.

Has is been easy….

Hell no. We’ve had some pretty major fights in the early part of our relationship but we worked through them and no matter what we said about one another have moved on like it never happened.

In a way I feel like it brought us closer together.

Never Shut The Fuck Up…..

I talk ….then I talk…then I txt….then I talk….

I’ve noticed I can’t shut my daym mouth especially when my anxiety is peaking but when I was at my worst point last year I spent a lot of time on my own walking no talking.

I walked for miles every night armed with my Spotify and Pokémon go ( gotta catch em all quietly)

I thought about all sorts and at a few poits didn’t manage to hold back tears and must have looked like a crazy person walking by the road.

Hey don’t listen to Jonny cash when your depressed. 😂

You see I don’t seam to ever do this anymore . Just pop in the ahead phones and just walk no plan just keep walking deciding every turn as you approach them.

Was a good way to fill time. I wasn’t ready to be on my own just doing nothing. Needed to keep busy.

It’s not something I need to do unless I’m going through something . 

Suppose a coping method in a way.