This image has really got me tonight.
My life feels a bit down the drain at the moment feel like I’m going threw the motions have I felt suicidal no… But I find it hard to realise when I am. I get close but I could never leave my kids.
When I’ve been close to jumping I’ve thought about them. Thoughts of them are what hold me to the bridge.
You see my life is shit at the moment and I’m doing things to change that.
Im being creative . Writing a book , playing in a band , publishing and selling my photography and creating blogs.
The problem is I don’t have someone to share this with.
Same shit has caused me to be alone again. I fucking hate it. I don’t think I can take the hurt again. I just want to be loved and love in return instead of being told I am when I’m not. Pretty much how all of my relationships end..
Just a down day today I suppose.
I literally hate me and here’s why…
Well it’s this bastard voice in my head. It’s fighting constantly with itself and me. The ideas that it throws at me sometimes every second can be unbearable.
Sometimes it makes me wanna give up. I’m lucky that I can ground myself . I have to amazing children and I no there time with me is important. I no that there mam is not great. If she was I would have no problem “leaving” but I wouldn’t want to leave them with her .
I deserve it but it fucking sucks.
I spoke (threw typed messages) to her today. She put something’s into perspective whatever I’m going threw she is going threw worse and it’s what I’ve put her threw that’s created it all.
I dunno what the fuck is wrong with me. Why I did such a vile thing. how I will make sure I never do that sort of thing again.
So she has requested that I leave her alone. I do not message her.
That’s going to be hard. I just want to say the right thing to make her hurt go away.not to save the relationship just make her happy again.
I don’t no if I have the strength to do this .
I’ve been feeling borderline suicidal . The world really dosent need me in it. If I ended it all then I really would be gone after the initial act people would never be hurt by me again.
I am lucky though as I have two boy witch I love to bits I would never leave them in that way. It would be easier to do if I new there mother was good and caring but if I went theyd be stuck with her.