Tag Archives: talk

Forever Alone Can Fuck Off

The last 24 hours have been so hard so mentally challanging and on about 2 Hours sleep.

After I left Sam with her mates. She continued to message me she was going to walk home from.where she was early morning.

There is no way I would let her ever do that because I care about her so fucking much.

Even though I was upset I didn’t no where I stood did she still not want to be with me ?

I had to make sure she was safe.

I got her back to hers and tried to be distant and get her to bed safely and leave. She wanted me I didn’t feel like I could do anything incase when she sobered up would have regretted it.

It’s killed me.

It killed her.

Then it happened we both talked we both seen eachother in a park with the kids and it was like nothing had happened. Looking into her beautiful blue eyes I new no matter what shit we will go through we will come out stronger.

I wouldn’t keep fighting for someone I don’t love and I’ve never felt a love like this .

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Forever Alone

So for followers of my blog you will no that the last 5 months have been amazing in so many ways.

I meet Sam. I’ve never felt like I have with her with anyone. This felt difrent . It felt right.

She is beautiful , funny , caring and a great mam.

We really did have a connection.

Now I fucked things. I messaged her mate early on into the relationship (about 5 months ago?) And said some inappropriate things. I have regretted that ever since.

The feeling that I might have lost her over something so fucking stupid nearly killed me.

Literally.

Somehow we worked through it.

I tried so hard to show her how much I cared.

But have always had the argument where she says I don’t love her or she dosent deserve me.

I’ve fought and fought for us.

I made romantic gestures and even introduced her to my kids.

She was so good with them and they love her. It’s going to be very hard dealing with them asking to see Sam . Witch they do pretty much every day.

Kids don’t understand.

Things though have been hard and tonight while she was out drinking with her “friends” she started giving me shit for things I’ve done 5 months ago. Her friend decided to show the messages to her again while drinking. This was clearly to upset Sam.

Her friends seam to think they no best .

Then again recently she has been pushing away.

Tonight I drove to her at 3 in the morning to be confronted by two guys. Mates of hers trying to be intimidating. While I tried to talk to Sam.

Then her mate took over the talking to be frank and ask what we want.

I told her what I want “Sam” but Sam did not have the same strong reaction.

So her friend led her as she has all night into us having a “break”

Well fuck having a break. A break to me is giving up or a way to try and let someone down gently.

You see the thing is at the end off all of this. I realised something. I’ve been fighting for us from day one nearly because I love her.

I wonder at the end of the day did Sam just didn’t have the balls to end our relationship.

I’m struggling to think of any other reason behind all this.

Then I’m thinking after all that’s gone on. Her best mates not liking me male friends being threating. The fact that she clearly dosent trust me. Could it even work anyway ? Could we work through and past this shit.

I no I can for her if she wants me. I’ve never felt like this about anyone.

All I no is that I’m mentally exhausted.

Embarrassed . I caused it myself.

So at 4:25 am dosent look like I will be getting much sleep. I hope she sleeps well though.

When Your Sad….

I’m Sad !

One thing I hate about Anxiety is always needing to fix and solve problems i hate things that I can’t control.

I’m.not even sure this is coman with Anxiety but it plays on my mind.

First of all of I don’t no what’s upsetting you is the worst. That means I have to go through millions of reasons you could be upset and then try and fix them all so that if I’m right I will no what to Do.

In reality I probly won’t. I will however try.

Hey Depression , Why You So Sad …You Prick !

Sometimes I have days were everything kinda sucks. My anxiety has created negative sinarios and when I struggle to see the good I get clouded in by depressions bull shit.

I forget I’m loved.

Anxiety creates depression for me because I’m always thinking about the worst case and for me that is not being loved.

Sometimes I can feel like that for hours or days but when I come out of the haze and realise that I am in fact loved that I don’t need to beat myself up. Hell I feel stupid but because of what I’ve gone through mentality it makes me massively greatfull for the happy times .

So fuck you depressive thoughts.

Fortunately I don’t feel like I am owned by these thoughts. I feel really sorry for those that do . I only get snipits.

If your reading this and you do. Remember you are loved you are important and things will ultimately get better .

Random Diary 31/1/18

This is more a diary entry unlike my other blogs.

Tonight was amazing. I met my lady we went for a drive to get some cake ! Turned out the cake was a let down but it was the journey that was fun.

I once we had walked around the shop and got our cake we headed for a drive along the sea front . There was a nice pub that I had been to before so we grabbed a drink and talked about all the strange things that had happened to ourselfs on various holidays.

I love getting to know more about her.

Then we drove further along the cost and pulled up . We walked along the promonard hand in had. I loved that she kept pulling me in for kisses.

We talked the whole time about a future house and about other random things.

Then we went back to hears for cake 👌

A simple night to most people but not to me. I loved every moment and I love her.

I hope these moments are as special to her ❤️

Anxiety Stop Kicking My Ass!

I seam to be kicking my ass over and over the same shit recently.

Just not really felt very positive about myself or the impact I have on other people.

I am often finding myself down the negitive side of anxiety when you think all the worries and all the bull shit is because I’m broken and why the fuck can’t I fix it ?

At the moment I am having a lot of support from my partner even though she dosent seam to realise. Sometimes just being able to enjoy the peace of cuddling into her and watching something and letting myself relax is the best feeling in the world.

I never and I mean never feel like that.

Also been able to talk to her and even making long calls (normally calls freak me out )

So time to move the fuck on with life. Put this worry and doubt behind me and continue to stay strong.